A Prisoner in my own Body ©

How do you become a prisoner in your own body? I am not sure how it happened, but it did. Over time my life as I knew it was slipping away from me And was becoming smaller and smaller. My mind had so much on it ~ so many plans, dreams, goals But my body was struggling to keep up. Even when I was doing my old regular workouts, years ago... My sentence began ~ it was like I was on house arrest. I was so ambitious and took on great careers that were taxing Physically and mentally ~ but I could handle it, for a while ~ If I pushed. Loving my family and my career has always been a balance ~ Constantly striving to learn more and better myself ~ but this sentence was nagging at me, slowing me down. Sometimes stopping me. At first, I would just give up working out ~ then I realized I had to do that to stay well. Parts of my workout ended ~ riding my bike. New ones started. Yoga. Then I had to give up getting up to see my kids off in the morning. This is probrably The strongest sentence the judge has given me. I still can’t forgive myself for that. I enjoyed getting up and making my kids healthy breakfasts everyday ~ Walking or driving them to school. I haven’t been able to that for 7 years. I am embarrased about that. My kids say it’s ok Mom. I handled soccer ok ~ but sometimes I’d have to leave if it got too hot Or if I was too tired. I pushed the judge to go to every game...and there were a lot of them ;) A lot of JOY. Handling my careers ~ I just had to, I was a mom, a provider ~ a tough cookie. I started to not be able to lift my bags ~ my hand was breaking ~ The sentence was stiffening. Then my shoulder - oh my shoulder - I worked on that thing - I yoga’d, pt’d, taped it - To no avail. Took time off of work - and they forced me out - my sentence began. And my shoulder was torn open ~ revealed...but not to the right eyes. My sentence was stiff, tough and painful. Nearly solitary ~ but with visitors. I couldn’t move much. Aha ~ but my brain still works just fine...and NOTHING will stop it. I will re-train, re-Group, re-focus and start a business ~ become a Life Coach! I sure did. Through the pain, the tears, the sling, the tape ~ I became a Certified Life Coach and started my own business. I thought everything would be fine ~ but I couldn’t recover ~ my sentence extended. My mind kept racing, working ~ trying to support my family. Nine months before I could do a full yoga class, but then I could do plank again! I was back. There was opportunity. It was just my shoulder, I mean...that was it...right? Another great opportunity - working everyday ~ coaching hundreds of people, wonderful people - and also developing my Teens Coaching program. I felt great. Or did I. The sentence was lurking behind me...now I felt the handcuffs on each joint ~ It ravaged me. Everyday I worked - my sentence got worse. My career was harder ~ The sentence became solitary. Until one day ~ my Doctor said ~” if you keep working ~ you will do more damage to your body. You can’t work ~ it is not healthy for you.” Day One of Hell. My second career lost ~ but they will be understanding. I am sick. Nope. Replaced. During this time of my sentence ~ all I wanted was the truth ~ The old saying is the truth shall set you free. For me, I needed answers. I needed Doctors that knew, that cared, that searched for what was wrong. I found him. I found them ~ in Boston. Freedom! I am free of my sentence of indeciveness! I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Whoa. Ok. That sucks. I mean, for real ~ read about it. It ain’t a nice disease. But, I am taking off the cuffs. Am I still a prisoner in my own body? Yes. I know why. Now I have to accept it.

View from my perspective

Hello my friends - I am sitting here listening to my new Lady Gaga CD ~ Sitting on a heating pad with my Diet Coke with Lemon. Life is good. Really, I am looking at mountains, at my dog Tyler and learning how to relax. Key word ~ learning. Do I really relax? Hmmm - I have 8 books around me, I am writing a book and my brain doesn't slow down. This is not good for me. Or is it. From my perspective, slowing down is giving up. However, I have slowed down, don't misunderstand that. Not working is killing me. Not to mention adding a tremendous stress...but that is for another time. I know many people with Chronic Illness understand what I am talking about with the inability to know from one day to another if you can work full time. Of course, that leads to financial worries. I digress. Resting is doctor ordered. So is exercise. I have ordered coaching, writing a book, developing a Teen Coaching program (which is on my 3rd year), and now I have been invited to become a Peer Coach at a very prestigious hospital in Boston. So what is my point this week. I don't know. HA! Hope. I did go to the Rheumy and he is confident that I won't be deformed by this disease! YAY! He has 8 more meds we can try if this medicine doesn't work ( we can start with going to injection mtx next). He really feels that we can win this battle. Hope! I brought him my coaching information as well as a Seminar for people with Chronic Illness that I am beginning. He was glad to review it because he believes in the mind/body wellness! Now that is my kind of doctor! It is actually at their Hospital where I was approached to be a Peer Coach. Trust me, my friends, it has been a tough week ~ I don't know why I have been crying a lot. But I wanted to write about new ideas. About hope. About seeing opportunities as exactly what they are ~ great opportunities. Make sure, everyday my friends, you look at your life ~ and never overlook the small blessings and hope. Some weeks it may seem like you ended up with a negative tally ~ I want you to re~review your week. That is what I just did. I had a really rough week...but I walked, I did yoga, I saw friends, my doctor gave me hope, my mom supported me when I cried. My big brother from Jersey called me several times and kept it real and gave me some great ideas to relax ~ he gets it that I don't know how to relax...he listened. My kids came home, my family is wonderful. I am blessed. I have hope. So do you. Together me and you on this journey ~ we will thrive ~ I promise you that. I will not ever give up. Healing hugs~ Alicia

Choices we face everyday, my friends.

Choices ~ Choices we face every day My friends, I’ve been thinking about the choices we face ~ and get to make every day. Some related to our Rheumatoid Arthritis, or other Chronic Illnesses ~ others, choices from normal everyday situations. Let me know your thoughts and if you can relate. When I wake up ~ sometimes I feel a sense of fear ~ of what my day will bring. Waking up to stiff, swollen hands, feet that shuffle like Tim Conway’s “old Man”, and just plain old blah. I just don’t know what will come. But I have choices ~ fear or faith. Opening up our eyes to a bright new day ~ we can say, "thank goodness I woke up on the right side of the daisies", or we can start our day grumpy. Shuffling to the bathroom to start the medicine routine ~ you can hate the fact that you have to take some of your meds now (and a bunch of them) - and they give you side effects...or we can say, "wow - people spent so much time figuring out how to make meds to improve my quality of life." Off to the second part of the medicine taking ~ with food...shuffle downstairs, find something that is appealing (sometimes with no appetite) so you can take the rest of the meds to loosen you up. You can be grateful for knowing that in about an hour or so, you might be a little looser ~ life will be a bit better. :), or you can grumble because you don’t have any appetite. I know, for me ~ I am very competitive ~ even with myself. When I had shoulder surgery, I used to time myself for getting ready (17 mins). Now, I could get discouraged that now it takes me a full 1 1/2 hours to get ready if I take a shower and do my make up and tiny bit of hair. (bangs) Or ~ I can be glad when it is all done and I look pretty good. Losing hair sucks. It just does. I am finding good product that is going to help nourish my hair. I am grateful I have thick hair (for now), so it isn’t that noticeable. I can just keep trying to keep it looking healthy, and not crying when I lose a hundred hairs in the shower or I can fall apart. On the hair subject ~ I don’t have energy to get full on ready each day, so on most days ~ I am just wearing a headband. (now, that makes me look bald!) :) Today, I bought a funky hat to wear. So I can look funky and have another look on a tired day. Choices. To end this blog ~ choices we face starting each day...I find how I look, affects how I feel. I have to take the time (albeit slow) to put a little makeup, do a little something with my hair, and I just went out and bought some cute dressy tank tops (from TJMaxx on sale), to go with my comfy black and tan Naturalizer sandals. Do I stay in bed, even though I feel like it? Nope ~ haven’t once. Do I take a nap? No, I do a few Yoga poses (down dog is great to get energy), or go for a little walk. Am I bummed out? Sure am. Does the pain suck? Mmmm hmmm. Does ice cream help? YES! :) Do I have faith? Tremendously. Faith in my “Big Guy”, faith in my doctors, and faith in myself. So, when you get up everyday ~ do a mental checklist...get up ~ check ~ good attitude ~ check ~ taking meds to help you with quality of life ~ check ~ eat ~ check ~ exercise ~ check ~ ice cream ~ check! Feel good about yourself from the inside out ~ or maybe ~ somedays (most days) feel good from the outside in, but if that makes you feel even a little bit better to face the world, isn’t it worth it? Working to Thrive, my friends. Let’s beat this thing together. Please follow my blog and write to me - I know most of you are writing on Facebook pages your very positive feedback - but post it here to help others. Thank you for your time, and honesty. Healing hugs - Alicia

Acceptance ©

Acceptance is such an important part of my RA journey My friends, acceptance is key to not being stuck in the muck with RA or any other chronic disease - but it is a tough one to swallow. Blech - who wants to swallow what comes with RA? YAY! I got a diagnosis! Now, I am more ill from the “cure”. That is a tough pill to swallow. Ones that you know will make you sick before they make you better - IF they make you better. Being an optimist, I always want to stay hopeful - look on the bright side. Phew, this RA and my “cure” has tired me out. At least this week it has. You know what though, let me count my blessings - I enjoyed a relaxing day with my loving Brit - by the river - had a great BBQ the next day with a friend of ours. On Monday, I had to cancel with a friend because the Methotrexate was kicking in full force. So, I chilled with my love and my kids and pets. Life could be worse - Is it hard? Yes. I had to leave my favorite Gentle Yoga class today because I almost passed out and was so ill - but I was shown so much compassion from my friend and instructor. We need to look beyond the blahs, pain and fatigue of the daily grind, my friends, and find the simple blessings. I called my doctors’ office to speak to the nurse about the Methotrexate effects - when “she” called me back - wasn’t I surprised to hear Dr. D on the phone saying - “Hi Alicia, this is Dr. D and I understand you aren’t feeling so well.”... What a blessing! We are making changes to my Methotrexate and Leucovorin (Folic Acid/Calcium,etc) times and doses so that I will have a better week next week. Dr. D. thinks it is going to work - we will just have to keep a close eye on things. So, my friends, acceptance doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen by yourself. It isn’t an easy journey - but it is a necessary process to go through for us to have healthy, vibrant lives and to THRIVE! I don’t know about you, but I am not letting any disease, any person, any company anything stop me from living the best life possible. Join me as we learn how to accept life on life’s terms - and THRIVE! ~ Healing hugs, Alicia