Life Happened...now what? Choices: 9. Live in faith ~ or ~ live in fear of your future©

Hello again my friends!
I hope you are doing ok,
hanging in there and
utilizing some of the tools
in the blog that we are sharing.

I am trying to finish up the top 10
and get to some of your ideas for topics!

So, here we are...
together again ~
and we have a couple of choices
all. the. time.

Fear or Faith.

Now I don't mean you have to believe in God
or any Religious being...that isn't what this is about.

To me, this disease is so all encompassing,
taking on so many areas of my life ~
how about you?
If I didn't have faith, for instance, in my Doctors ~
I'd be in big trouble...

and yet, I have fear too ~
but it is a 4 letter word, fear is.
It can take a calm moment
and spin it out of control.

When you list out the things we think about
from the second we wake up...
if we didn't keep some kind of faith,
I don't know about you, but I'd stay in bed.

Like, faith that even though when I wake up
I can't walk well, and put my full weight on my feet
or hips...
I have faith that with my food and medicine
and time,
I will "ungel" and move a bit better in a few hours.

When I get stabbing pain in my lower back
and I can't stand up straight ~
I have to have faith that it will pass
Or I will just cry in pain and fear that I will be cripple.

Every morning my hands hardly close and are numb ~
with fear, now come on ~ we could come up with doozies ~
But I now wake my hands up slowly, every single day...
they wake up first...and dance a special dance...
I guess I should call them my dance of faith~
that once I do this and they have time and medicine
I can use them again later.

My foggy brain, my fatigue, my memory
it is freakin' me out, quite frankly...
I am sure you know exactly what I am talking about.
What are we going to do about it?
Use some of my other tools, and have faith, right? right.

Changing my medicines again ~
Ok, I am a little afraid ~ so I am not starting it yet.
I am getting educated, praying, talking to my other Doc
and when I feel comfortable ~ I will make a decision
to be a guinea pig again...I mean, try ANOTHER medicine.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a tough foe...
But we are tougher, aren't we?
Well, we have a lot on our plates everyday
but if we live more in faith, than fear...
our lives will be more enriched and we will thrive.

Healing hugs,

~alicia

To take the medicine or not... ©

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe


Hello my friends!
The snow is gently falling 
as I am writing to you.
A really nice background
for me...squirrels and birds
running and flying
scurrying to get food
staying warm.
I am pretty cozy here on my heating pad.


This month has been a doozy getting 
to know my dear friend rheumy, 
my disease.    When I got an infection and
I had to get off my RA meds, I knew it would be an 
adjustment, but I wasn't quite sure how much
of one it would be.   


Oh, my friends, when I was getting better and I could
get back on an injectable med, I chose the Enbrel
first ~ hopeful that I won't ever have to go on 
Methotrexate injections again.   That medicine just
makes me sick...it is harsh.
But, hey, my body is attacking itself...eroding my 
joints and tendons if I don't stop it.   Even if I do try, 
who knows how long it will be before I need joint
replacements, or have deformities...we just don't know.


So, I go to Boston tomorrow, and let me tell you, my 
body is stiff, and I have swollen joints that have not 
been swollen before.   I am now waking up to shooting 
pain down my arms from my shoulders.   My hands in the
morning...well, I am drinking out of a wine glass - it is the
easiest glass to hold my water in.    I now bring a muffin up into my 
"sanctuary" the night before and my love brings me 
fresh water and a Diet Coke in the morning because going 
down stairs first thing in the morning is becoming more and more 
difficult.   I am almost ripping out our bannister.    Oh, 
the pain is not good...the stiffness sucks.    But the fatigue
is the worse.   I am sick of being a prisoner in my house.
Especially now ~ it is too snowy to walk on my healing trail.


I guess, my reality is most likely that I am going to have to 
go back on the Methotrexate injection again...it is like injecting
the flu in my body every week.   Perhaps, now, with 
my other docs all working together, we can get the pain and fatigue
under control and I can get a better quality of life.   


Every single Study I have read or Doctor I have seen
do a presentation on RA has said that what RA does is
universally takes away a persons Quality of Life.   With
pain and fatigue there is a feeling of isolation and it is so 
hard to explain to others that most people just become very
alone and isolated.    Especially if you have lost your career, 
as I did.   And were, and are a very social person, but don't
have the energy right now...to be, well, yourself.


So, when we are in these conflicting situations, what choices do 
we have?   Take the harsh meds?    Yup, take the medicine.   
All of my meds have side effects...some worse than my disease...
but when your disease is so bad, and you suffer so much, 
you choose Quality of Life.   We have but one life to live.   
As much as I don't want to add that medicine back to my 
cocktails, I do believe it was helping me.   


So, I will let you know, but I am gathering up my courage
to do what I have to do, even if I hate doing it every single
week.   The other option is worse.   I am quickly turning into
the "tin girl" ~ needing some WD ~ 40.   That's no way to live
either.   


But, I am not a quitter, oh no I am not.   I still do my yoga...
and modify the heck out of it.  :)  ok, sometimes it is just 
stretching, but I do something every single day.   Resting, 
well, my friends, I am proud to say that, I am learning how 
to do that too.    Watching entire movies with my kids, 
with friends, snuggling with my love, The Brit.   Life is ok.
Is it what I planned, no.   Am I scared?   Yes.  But, I am 
gathering more faith, turning my life and fear over, bit by 
bit.    I have to.   


So, as I finish up this blog, my dog is snuggled up
beside me, of course catching some of the heat from my 
heating pad!   My son is home and we are going to study 
for finals.   My daughter is starting her second semester of
her junior year of college and The Brit and I are reading a 
book together tonight.   Life isn't too bad.   I will call my
mom and a friend to read this and see if it is "blog worthy"
and get the ok before I hit "publish" :)   I am surrounded 
by love during this scary time...what more can I ask for.


Healing hugs, 
Alicia

A Prisoner in my own Body ©

How do you become a prisoner in your own body? I am not sure how it happened, but it did. Over time my life as I knew it was slipping away from me And was becoming smaller and smaller. My mind had so much on it ~ so many plans, dreams, goals But my body was struggling to keep up. Even when I was doing my old regular workouts, years ago... My sentence began ~ it was like I was on house arrest. I was so ambitious and took on great careers that were taxing Physically and mentally ~ but I could handle it, for a while ~ If I pushed. Loving my family and my career has always been a balance ~ Constantly striving to learn more and better myself ~ but this sentence was nagging at me, slowing me down. Sometimes stopping me. At first, I would just give up working out ~ then I realized I had to do that to stay well. Parts of my workout ended ~ riding my bike. New ones started. Yoga. Then I had to give up getting up to see my kids off in the morning. This is probrably The strongest sentence the judge has given me. I still can’t forgive myself for that. I enjoyed getting up and making my kids healthy breakfasts everyday ~ Walking or driving them to school. I haven’t been able to that for 7 years. I am embarrased about that. My kids say it’s ok Mom. I handled soccer ok ~ but sometimes I’d have to leave if it got too hot Or if I was too tired. I pushed the judge to go to every game...and there were a lot of them ;) A lot of JOY. Handling my careers ~ I just had to, I was a mom, a provider ~ a tough cookie. I started to not be able to lift my bags ~ my hand was breaking ~ The sentence was stiffening. Then my shoulder - oh my shoulder - I worked on that thing - I yoga’d, pt’d, taped it - To no avail. Took time off of work - and they forced me out - my sentence began. And my shoulder was torn open ~ revealed...but not to the right eyes. My sentence was stiff, tough and painful. Nearly solitary ~ but with visitors. I couldn’t move much. Aha ~ but my brain still works just fine...and NOTHING will stop it. I will re-train, re-Group, re-focus and start a business ~ become a Life Coach! I sure did. Through the pain, the tears, the sling, the tape ~ I became a Certified Life Coach and started my own business. I thought everything would be fine ~ but I couldn’t recover ~ my sentence extended. My mind kept racing, working ~ trying to support my family. Nine months before I could do a full yoga class, but then I could do plank again! I was back. There was opportunity. It was just my shoulder, I mean...that was it...right? Another great opportunity - working everyday ~ coaching hundreds of people, wonderful people - and also developing my Teens Coaching program. I felt great. Or did I. The sentence was lurking behind me...now I felt the handcuffs on each joint ~ It ravaged me. Everyday I worked - my sentence got worse. My career was harder ~ The sentence became solitary. Until one day ~ my Doctor said ~” if you keep working ~ you will do more damage to your body. You can’t work ~ it is not healthy for you.” Day One of Hell. My second career lost ~ but they will be understanding. I am sick. Nope. Replaced. During this time of my sentence ~ all I wanted was the truth ~ The old saying is the truth shall set you free. For me, I needed answers. I needed Doctors that knew, that cared, that searched for what was wrong. I found him. I found them ~ in Boston. Freedom! I am free of my sentence of indeciveness! I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Whoa. Ok. That sucks. I mean, for real ~ read about it. It ain’t a nice disease. But, I am taking off the cuffs. Am I still a prisoner in my own body? Yes. I know why. Now I have to accept it.