Clearing the debris from my healing trail...and my mind©

Hello my friends
A hurricane came by for a visit yesterday...
wreaked a little havok~
and now, we are picking up the pieces
left behind.

As I walked along my healing trail today
with my dog, Tyler and cat, Sassy ~
and my walking stick ~
helping me clear the debris from the trail~
my healing trail~

I couldn't help but think of all of you.
All of us.
Life.

We all get hit by storms in our lives~
sometimes, a little rain storm blows over...
no big deal.
We can handle it.  
We don't need "life tools" to help us with those.

But sometimes, we get hit with Hurricanes in life~
sometimes life even throws us a tornado during it.
Throw in a flood, lightning strike and BAM ~
What the heck.   WE don't know WHAT to do.

I am talking about life situations...and they are happening~
to all.of.us.  Everyday.
Jobs.  Relationships.   Fears.   Housing.  College.
Career changes.    Parents aging.   
Finally, our own health...it is in a scary place.  
For me, I have all of the above...and with only being 44,
I have had to learn fast ~
To build tools for my "life's toolbox"©

Think of the debris that gets in the way everyday when you wake...
worry, fear, anxiety...
If you let it ~
if we let it.

Or, you can get a walking stick...and gently brush it away.
Build a support system, faith, friends that truly understand,
brush away your fears, branch by branch -
leaf by leaf...in your way...
on your healing trail.
To peace of mind ~ and better health.

Healing hugs,
Alicia

Journey to Acceptance©

Hello my friends...
It's been a little while.
I've been on a journey ~
To accepting my RA.
How about you?

Hmmmm
A journey to acceptance
from where to where?
from here to there
Acceptance ...

Acceptance of
what and who
and when to do
who knows what ...
I've never done it before.
acceptance of RA...
Have you?

Are you willing
to go on this journey
together - to who knows where
with who knows who,
for who knows what
Are you?

I am ...
Knowing you will be with me
tells me it will be ok, fun,
supportive, crazy,
virtually traveling all over the globe!
Why not?   We have nothing to lose!

Let's just take one step
one baby step
at a time
I'll hold your hand...
will you hold mine?
Let's get on this
Journey to Acceptance of our RA
and...getting to the other side!

Healing hugs,
Alicia

To take the medicine or not... ©

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe


Hello my friends!
The snow is gently falling 
as I am writing to you.
A really nice background
for me...squirrels and birds
running and flying
scurrying to get food
staying warm.
I am pretty cozy here on my heating pad.


This month has been a doozy getting 
to know my dear friend rheumy, 
my disease.    When I got an infection and
I had to get off my RA meds, I knew it would be an 
adjustment, but I wasn't quite sure how much
of one it would be.   


Oh, my friends, when I was getting better and I could
get back on an injectable med, I chose the Enbrel
first ~ hopeful that I won't ever have to go on 
Methotrexate injections again.   That medicine just
makes me sick...it is harsh.
But, hey, my body is attacking itself...eroding my 
joints and tendons if I don't stop it.   Even if I do try, 
who knows how long it will be before I need joint
replacements, or have deformities...we just don't know.


So, I go to Boston tomorrow, and let me tell you, my 
body is stiff, and I have swollen joints that have not 
been swollen before.   I am now waking up to shooting 
pain down my arms from my shoulders.   My hands in the
morning...well, I am drinking out of a wine glass - it is the
easiest glass to hold my water in.    I now bring a muffin up into my 
"sanctuary" the night before and my love brings me 
fresh water and a Diet Coke in the morning because going 
down stairs first thing in the morning is becoming more and more 
difficult.   I am almost ripping out our bannister.    Oh, 
the pain is not good...the stiffness sucks.    But the fatigue
is the worse.   I am sick of being a prisoner in my house.
Especially now ~ it is too snowy to walk on my healing trail.


I guess, my reality is most likely that I am going to have to 
go back on the Methotrexate injection again...it is like injecting
the flu in my body every week.   Perhaps, now, with 
my other docs all working together, we can get the pain and fatigue
under control and I can get a better quality of life.   


Every single Study I have read or Doctor I have seen
do a presentation on RA has said that what RA does is
universally takes away a persons Quality of Life.   With
pain and fatigue there is a feeling of isolation and it is so 
hard to explain to others that most people just become very
alone and isolated.    Especially if you have lost your career, 
as I did.   And were, and are a very social person, but don't
have the energy right now...to be, well, yourself.


So, when we are in these conflicting situations, what choices do 
we have?   Take the harsh meds?    Yup, take the medicine.   
All of my meds have side effects...some worse than my disease...
but when your disease is so bad, and you suffer so much, 
you choose Quality of Life.   We have but one life to live.   
As much as I don't want to add that medicine back to my 
cocktails, I do believe it was helping me.   


So, I will let you know, but I am gathering up my courage
to do what I have to do, even if I hate doing it every single
week.   The other option is worse.   I am quickly turning into
the "tin girl" ~ needing some WD ~ 40.   That's no way to live
either.   


But, I am not a quitter, oh no I am not.   I still do my yoga...
and modify the heck out of it.  :)  ok, sometimes it is just 
stretching, but I do something every single day.   Resting, 
well, my friends, I am proud to say that, I am learning how 
to do that too.    Watching entire movies with my kids, 
with friends, snuggling with my love, The Brit.   Life is ok.
Is it what I planned, no.   Am I scared?   Yes.  But, I am 
gathering more faith, turning my life and fear over, bit by 
bit.    I have to.   


So, as I finish up this blog, my dog is snuggled up
beside me, of course catching some of the heat from my 
heating pad!   My son is home and we are going to study 
for finals.   My daughter is starting her second semester of
her junior year of college and The Brit and I are reading a 
book together tonight.   Life isn't too bad.   I will call my
mom and a friend to read this and see if it is "blog worthy"
and get the ok before I hit "publish" :)   I am surrounded 
by love during this scary time...what more can I ask for.


Healing hugs, 
Alicia

Merry Christmas ~ You are terminated! ©

Christmas is coming fast and furious, my friends!

Last year, on my birthday, the 23rd of this month,

I went to a different Rheumy and was told I had

Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD), and was put

on a DMARD (Disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug).

It was a wishy washy diagnosis, but I was elated to have an answer.

Or so I thought.

What happened after that was I got sicker and sicker

and went out on disability. I had modified my job to

accomodate all of my district, created coaching

and development programs in various locations. This

enabled me and my team to stay in one place for training

all day ~ (me with my heating pad). This helped for a while.

Plus, it was effective and efficient use of my time.

Unfortunately, my body was too far gone. I needed a new doctor.

Real answers. I got them. I have a persistent form of RA,

and it is not working well with my old treatment (2 DMARD's) ~

making it hard to walk, use my hands, drive, etc...

But my company disagreed. They said I wasn't sick.

They just gave me a great Christmas present.

Merry Christmas Alicia ~ you are terminated!

Truly, someone forgot to tell upper Management, because

the day I got the Cobra paperwork, I got a Wishing you Peace, Joy and

Prosperity Christmas card. Pardon me if I am not happy

about the card. Come on!

So, my friends, I am on a new treatment ~ an Anti - TNF injectable.

A live protein. There is a lot of hope riding on this treatment.

It has been four weeks so far. I wish I could get off one, but with RA,

you need to stay on all of them ~ so now I am on 3 treatments (plus

many other meds).

Here's hoping for a healthier 2011!

2010 has been a year of lessons ~

Here are some of mine:

Humility ~ asking for help.

Courage ~ taking not one, but two painful injections.

Pride ~ telling my friends and family that I can't travel much - but my door is always open.

Fear ~ having to lose my second career and financial security.

Creativity ~ having my mind never stop figuring out what I can do...not what I can't.

Love ~ I was proposed to by my Brit, even though I am bruised, swollen, limping, lame and pretty homebound right now. Not that attractive :)

Re-grouping ~ becoming a great homemaker ~ and accepting that. I have never been one.

Re-focusing ~ figuring out what my future holds and how I can make it happen.

Gains ~ wonderful family and friends who supported me through this life change, a new blog, a new book, new ways of being creative...spending quality time with my friends and family.

Losses ~ functionality, career, stability, people who didn't support me, my sense of independence (for this minute), my freedom to travel, the ability to participate with my family outside the home.

Hope ~ Everyday I wake up, I have a choice - I choose hope.

Gratitude ~ I am grateful for the blessings I do have, even on my tough days. I am even grateful that I can cry. It is ok. This process sucks. But, I have a home full of love and family, a world full of friends ~ a brain full of smarts, and a belly full of laughter to share!

Feel free to email me your thoughts, as usual! I love hearing from you!

All of us, from the USA or Russia, Thailand, England, Denmark or New Zealand ~ all over the

world ~ with or without RA ~ you know, we identify with each other.

Drop me an email again ~ alicia@youempowered.com or comment here to

share with others. You all inspire me.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Healing hugs,

Alicia