To take the medicine or not... ©

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe


Hello my friends!
The snow is gently falling 
as I am writing to you.
A really nice background
for me...squirrels and birds
running and flying
scurrying to get food
staying warm.
I am pretty cozy here on my heating pad.


This month has been a doozy getting 
to know my dear friend rheumy, 
my disease.    When I got an infection and
I had to get off my RA meds, I knew it would be an 
adjustment, but I wasn't quite sure how much
of one it would be.   


Oh, my friends, when I was getting better and I could
get back on an injectable med, I chose the Enbrel
first ~ hopeful that I won't ever have to go on 
Methotrexate injections again.   That medicine just
makes me sick...it is harsh.
But, hey, my body is attacking itself...eroding my 
joints and tendons if I don't stop it.   Even if I do try, 
who knows how long it will be before I need joint
replacements, or have deformities...we just don't know.


So, I go to Boston tomorrow, and let me tell you, my 
body is stiff, and I have swollen joints that have not 
been swollen before.   I am now waking up to shooting 
pain down my arms from my shoulders.   My hands in the
morning...well, I am drinking out of a wine glass - it is the
easiest glass to hold my water in.    I now bring a muffin up into my 
"sanctuary" the night before and my love brings me 
fresh water and a Diet Coke in the morning because going 
down stairs first thing in the morning is becoming more and more 
difficult.   I am almost ripping out our bannister.    Oh, 
the pain is not good...the stiffness sucks.    But the fatigue
is the worse.   I am sick of being a prisoner in my house.
Especially now ~ it is too snowy to walk on my healing trail.


I guess, my reality is most likely that I am going to have to 
go back on the Methotrexate injection again...it is like injecting
the flu in my body every week.   Perhaps, now, with 
my other docs all working together, we can get the pain and fatigue
under control and I can get a better quality of life.   


Every single Study I have read or Doctor I have seen
do a presentation on RA has said that what RA does is
universally takes away a persons Quality of Life.   With
pain and fatigue there is a feeling of isolation and it is so 
hard to explain to others that most people just become very
alone and isolated.    Especially if you have lost your career, 
as I did.   And were, and are a very social person, but don't
have the energy right now...to be, well, yourself.


So, when we are in these conflicting situations, what choices do 
we have?   Take the harsh meds?    Yup, take the medicine.   
All of my meds have side effects...some worse than my disease...
but when your disease is so bad, and you suffer so much, 
you choose Quality of Life.   We have but one life to live.   
As much as I don't want to add that medicine back to my 
cocktails, I do believe it was helping me.   


So, I will let you know, but I am gathering up my courage
to do what I have to do, even if I hate doing it every single
week.   The other option is worse.   I am quickly turning into
the "tin girl" ~ needing some WD ~ 40.   That's no way to live
either.   


But, I am not a quitter, oh no I am not.   I still do my yoga...
and modify the heck out of it.  :)  ok, sometimes it is just 
stretching, but I do something every single day.   Resting, 
well, my friends, I am proud to say that, I am learning how 
to do that too.    Watching entire movies with my kids, 
with friends, snuggling with my love, The Brit.   Life is ok.
Is it what I planned, no.   Am I scared?   Yes.  But, I am 
gathering more faith, turning my life and fear over, bit by 
bit.    I have to.   


So, as I finish up this blog, my dog is snuggled up
beside me, of course catching some of the heat from my 
heating pad!   My son is home and we are going to study 
for finals.   My daughter is starting her second semester of
her junior year of college and The Brit and I are reading a 
book together tonight.   Life isn't too bad.   I will call my
mom and a friend to read this and see if it is "blog worthy"
and get the ok before I hit "publish" :)   I am surrounded 
by love during this scary time...what more can I ask for.


Healing hugs, 
Alicia